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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Disappointed

Have you gone through a time in your marriage where things just were not going well? We were there about 5 months ago. I was profoundly unhappy due to my circumstances at work and how they were negatively affecting my ability to parent and interact and be there for my children. You know, it's the classic glass half full / half empty scenario... and while I should be extremely thankful for the wonderful job that I have, the roof over our heads, the excellent school district and neighborhood we live in, the wonderful things we are able to do with our children, and the fact that we are able to make ends meet and to keep our little family together, sometimes instead of counting my blessings, it is easy for me to fall into a state of despair over it all. The bottom line is that I want to stay at home with my kids - at least while they are little. Unfortunately, it's not something I ever discussed with my husband before we married because at the time I just took for granted that I would always be career oriented. I've always worked hard at whatever job I could get my hands on ever since I've been a kid. I grew up in a family where much of our self worth was based on the answers to these questions: Are you successful? Are you debt free? Are you making a lot of money? Do you have an impressive title? The thought that I might want to stay at home for a while and not work just never really crossed my mind or seemed like a viable option. I really regret that now, because I have changed, and my priorities have changed, but we have already spent the last 12 years crafting this life together that is not so easily changed.

Five months ago, I think my mild discontent developed into a full blown depression which felt an awful lot like a black cloud always hanging over my head and could send me into a crying fit at any moment. My husband and I were constantly arguing over this. During this rough patch, I hate to say it, but we were fighting so much, and were so miserable, many of our fights would end in an all too familiar "I'm leaving!" or "I wish I could just leave!" or "I want out of this relationship!" On many occasions I would sit crying in my car, and thinking that it was my Catholic faith, and that alone, that was holding us together, and barely, it seemed. If we didn't have that, (and our children) it would have been tempting to run away.

Thank God I am in a better place for now. Part of what helped us get out of this horrible funk, was finding our "dream home" out in the country. My incredible husband was willing to move far away from his job, friends and family, to try to reduce our mortgage and taxes so that I could get one step closer to staying at home or working less hours so that I could be with my little ones more than the 2 hours a day that I get during the stressful workweek. How I have been praying for this to work out! After 5 months of dealing with bank negotiations, things have fallen apart. This is due to the bank's realtor not submitting the proper paperwork in time. We are disappointed. I don't quite know what direction to turn next. I am trying my best to trust that God is guiding this process for us.

4 comments:

  1. :( Sorry to hear you've hit a bump in the road - I surely hope that God's plan comes to light soon. Keep your spirits up & know that things will get better. I'll say a few prayers as well. : )

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers. I think they are having a positive effect! :-)

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  2. you know how to really convince God to make it possible for you to be a stay at home mom? Tell him you'll home school... He seems to have to have a soft spot for home schooling ;-) Our latin rite church we go to is just chalk full of homeschool families that work together (priest does group catechism classes, the whole church community all are very involved, and they do group 'gym class' and things like that), and each one is their own struggle and story that is rooted in what God desired for them and began with a 'God, do you really want this from me?! Are you kidding me?!'. Not easy on any level... but if God wants it to happen and you're open to it, it'll happen! I have to say as well... my husband and I counsel parents and troubled teens and we've come to the conclusion that it makes all the difference in who your child becomes and their relationship with God. It's very sad but can really be a 'make or break' situation. Maybe the thought has already crossed your mind, and maybe you've already prayed about it... but I felt I should bring it up anyway ;-)

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    1. Hi obapplepie! I am so thankful that you commented on my blog when you did. You said the exact words I needed to hear. Your church community sounds awesome, and yes, this thought has crossed my mind many times. "Yes, I want to do this...", "No, it is too scary and hard...", "Maybe, I can try someday...", "Lord, what do you want here?" If only I can get over the feeling that I have been running from my crosses my whole life and this current cross/situation is just where I am supposed to be for some unknown reason...? Anyway, I tremendously appreciate your comments. Thank you.

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