Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Disappointed by a friend

I have a girl friend who I met a long time ago when we were both getting our Ohio Real Estate licenses. That was ages ago, when I only had one child and was not religious at all. You could say at that stage, my #1 passion was achieving sales super stardom. Well, we clicked at that point in our lives, and became close and this friend has seen me go through massive transitions, many of which probably do not make any sense to her, from becoming very devout in my Catholic faith, developing a love for the Bible, becoming open to having more children even though I am not really the "mom type", quitting multiple successful careers on a whim, my eco-breastfeeding and co-sleeping while she is more of the structured "Ferber-Method" mother, and moving out to the middle of nowhere like a crazy person, and she has continued to be a good friend to me! She is still in Real Estate and is currently helping me sell my old house. She has 2 older kids and graciously gives me oodles of awesome hand me downs and kids toys!!! It's always like Christmas for our family when she cleans her house.  (That's not why I'm friends with her, but I'm just saying this is a blessing for our family, of which I am thankful.) Anyway, I am struggling now with starting to feel horrible in my early pregnancy and not really wanting to find a new doctor. I was thinking about driving an hour away to stay with the same doctor who delivered all my other babies via C-Section, because I have familiarity with him. I'm worried about logistics, trying to figure out how I am going to handle 3 kids + a new born, with no friends, no close family, and no support network close by. I had a flashback to 2 years ago - the last time I had two young kids in a pre-natal appointment, while I was lying on the table trying not to throw up and the baby was crawling around the room literally tearing everything up, and the toddler crying, and the nurses running about trying to bribe my kids with suckers, well, I just don't want to repeat that experience, it wasn't good. I had the "light bulb" idea that I would ask my long term girlfriend, to do me a favor. My kids are always good while strapped in their seats in the mini-van. There is a DVD in the mini-van. I could let her sit in the car for 15 minutes or so, pop in an Elmo CD, and she could make phone calls while I go in for my first pre-natal appointment which is already way over due. I even offered to by her lunch. I can get the anti-nausea medication which I desperately need and blood work and/or ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. No big deal, right? I hate asking for favors, but there really is no one else I know to ask this of. So I asked her. Dang, you would you have thought her reaction was to donate a kidney or something... she was obviously taken off guard, "Well.. ummmm, I can't do it Mondays, or Fridays. Tuesdays are bad, and Wednesdays are out. Well, definitely not in the Spring, and I can't do it on Thursday Oct 10 or 31st... but other than that...." was basically her response. I was getting the vibe that this was a really big deal and that it was a huge mistake to ask her and regretted it immediately. Then I thought, maybe she was worried I would take advantage of her for *every* prenatal appointment or that I would somehow overtake her life with doctor's appointments and dentist appointments and massages and haircuts. (I really was just thinking about this first appointment, or perhaps not even thinking at all.) Anyway, 2 days elapsed and I still couldn't bring myself to make the appointment. She asked me today if I made the appointment and I said, "Oh, as soon as I asked, I regretted it... I could tell that you really aren't up to it." And she kind of made some excuse about having something else on her mind that day, and then said she could help me just this once but then had to add in a, "Well, what if the baby cries..." (Oh man, call me hormonal, but I was just getting extra mad at that point... and pretty much ended the phone call.) The thing that hurts the most is that I thought I could rely on her for something silly like this. (And I know she would do it, but does she have to make it into such a big deal? Come on!) Forget it, I'm actually thinking about putting my younger kids into part time day care so I can go solo to my pre-natal appointments. I'm trying to ask the neighbor if their 12 year old daughter can babysit for 3 hours after school so I can do this. I'm disappointed that my long term girlfriend is not as close of a friend as I had given her credit for. I think our friendship must be pretty shallow. I also think perhaps amidst all the crazy changes I've made in my life, I'm about to cross the "great divide" into having 4 kids. (You know with 3, you are still "normal"... especially since we have all girls and obviously must have been "trying for a boy", right?). I'm actually feeling cautious to tell certain people now, even more so because I am almost 40 and well, there are those out there who will think this is irresponsible and risky. I dunno. My girlfriend has her two perfectly behaved kids and a really nice structured life. They have lots of money and take big fancy trips to Europe every year. Perhaps my messy, poopy, poor, chaotic, diaper-filled, unglamorous life is not very appealing to her at all. I just thought for sure she would have said, "No Problem!". I'm still her friend, and I'll try to get over this quickly, but I am not going to ask her for help with my kids again, it just made me feel too bad.


  1. I missed this whenever you posted it. I am so sorry you had this experience! You of the "perks" (for lack of a better word!!) of working outside the home is when I was pregnant...I just leave in th emiddle of the day to go to my appointments. My kids are at school or in daycare or with their dad anyway (based on our schedules). I haven't ever had to worry about what to do with my kids when I go to the doctor...I work it into my workday.

    I will offer some prayers. YOu are in a similar position as we were. And announcements that #4 was on the way were the WORST! Even my mother-in-law looked disappointed, for heaven's sake!

    Hang in there!!!

    1. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Someday I will come back to my crappy blog, but I'm kind of in the throes of pregnancy depression right now and just not up to it - the relentless nausea is killing me. I feel like shit all the time and can hardly take care of my kids. Yeah, announcement #4 didn't go so great... my father in law told my husband to get a vasectomy and "keep it in his pants" (on the phone - right before he told him we were expecting) - and when they see me now they are kind but act like I am not even pregnant - my own side (beside my sister, God bless her!) just doesn't really ever mention it. And the day care is a definite PERK... I miss day care. I have days were I fantasize about dropping my screaming - toddler fit throwing kids off at daycare just so I can have a doctor's appointment or run an errand in peace for one hour - that would be a wonderful treat. I don't miss work, but I miss the complete loss of my self since leaving. I miss the money. I even miss the commute without having to listen to kids movies in the car. I haven't been able to post about this maybe someday I will. I know the grass is always greener...


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