In the mood for some REALLY GOOD Catholic Music?

I really enjoy the group "Marian Grace..."

Marian Grace - : Ignatius Press

This link above will let you listen. Check out Track 2 "All Creatures" for a preview - It is one of my favorite recordings ever. (But they are all good... beautiful recordings of contemporary Christian music and Ancient Chant.)

If you have anything you would like to recommend, please let me know!

Saying Goodbye to the Smoking Lady

When I was in college, almost 20 years ago, I walked into a coffee shop and saw a large picture hanging on the wall in a broken glass frame. There was a little tag on it that said $175. I loved this picture so much, I had to have it. I saved up my money and I went back and bought it and took it home with me. I was so pleased to find out that it was a very high quality lithograph from France and probably quite valuable. Later, after I had graduated, had my first real job and apartment, I had it put in a very expensive custom frame and hung it on my wall. It's hard to explain why, but I so loved my smoking lady.

This picture has followed me through the years from 2 different college housing units, 2 apartments, 2 townhomes, and 3 different single family homes that I have owned. The Smoking Lady hasn't always been hanging up on display, but she has always been put in a safe place. I've always had a bizarre attachment/attraction to her.

It is finally time to say goodbye. As I grow in my faith, I am becoming more and more conscious of the fact that what is in my home, what I do and say, the books I read, and the TV shows and movies that I watch affect more than myself. My children are watching me! It wasn't without a tinge of sadness that Smoking Lady went into the Goodwill donation bin. But now she is gone for good... Farewell my old friend, it was time for us to part.

Here is what my husband and I bought to replace her. She is Our New Lady and we have hung her up in our family room. 

 

My Blessings as a Working Mother

Today our alarm woke our family up at 4 am in the morning. We hurried to get ready so that I could drop my two oldest daughters and their father off by 5:45 am at the airport. He is taking them to Florida for an entire week to visit his sister. My daughters were very excited because they have never been on a plane before. We decided that I would stay behind with the baby this time. What a sight to behold, my hubby trying to negotiate 2 suitcases, a stroller, a car seat, a Dora backpack filled with books and movies, a Tablet PC with a splitter and 2 headphones, a very active 6 year old, a precocious 2 year old and one very important stuffed Bulldog. He is indeed a brave man! His vacation has just begun...

...And so has mine!

After work today, I picked up the baby, made a frozen pizza and a large bowl of ice cream, and I'm sitting on my bed eating dinner, on my computer, with my baby sleeping on my lap. My house is messy and there are dishes and laundry to do, that are definitely not going to get done tonight, and probably not tomorrow either. The house is ... completely quiet ... I am completely alone with my lovely sleeping baby. Does this sound awesome, or what?!? This type of solitude is very rare (actually, non-existent) in this house. As I sit here enjoying the tranquility I feel compelled to write this blog post. I will try to explain.

I have been feeling negative about having to work for quite a while now, and I realize that my attitude is reflected in some of my blog posts. The truth of the matter is that it is difficult to have to put your kids in daycare and not be able to be there to spend time with them during the day. I sometimes feel terrible guilt over it. Also, I really love to read other Catholic mothers' blogs. Sometimes it is the only way I can really connect "mom-to-mom" and share the "Faith" side of my life... which is so important to me. I do have my husband, but he is a man, and sometimes well, it is just nice to have a girlfriend. We have a very secular network of friends and I really turn to the blogosphere to get in touch with other practicing Catholics. I often feel like such an outsider. I don't fit in the "regular" world. I don't have many friends, except for two kind women that I have met along the way and they have kept me around. I haven't told either of these two close friends about my blog, can you imagine that? I haven't told my family about it either (except my sister). I just feel more comfortable being anonymous at this stage. I know a lot of my new attitudes and behaviours will or do seem "radical" and out of place amongst my peer group and family members, many of whom do not fully embrace Church teaching. I try to quietly witness and set a good example, and not preach or judge. I definitely don't want to lose the only 2 female friendships I have in my life, or the connection I have with my family.

But I don't quite fit into the typical "good Holy Catholic Mother" world either. We stopped going to our TLM after much discerning, not because it isn't the best and most beautiful celebration of the Holy Mass that we have ever encountered, but in large part because I was the only non homeschooling mom there in a very tight knit community. We also had an unusually small family due to finally "getting with it" at such a late stage in our marriage. We stuck out. Now nobody probably even cares, no one is singling us out and saying, "Oh my gosh, you only have 3 kids" and "What a horrible parent... you send your kids to public school." But the pressure is driven from within my own heart. I am probably my own worst enemy. Anyway, I felt, and at times feel, inadequate and "less than". It is difficult to explain the dichotomy, other than "caught between two worlds". I admire homeschooling moms so much and am so drawn to want to know your world better and be your friend. To be more like you.

But back to the subject of this post...

Although I struggle at times, there are many positives I can come up with. God has led me where I am at this point in my journey, and I want to thank Him and conclude this post by reflecting on the blessings I have received as a working mom.

Here is my list:


1. 100% because of circumstances at my workplace, I have come back to the Catholic Church. This is my largest blessing.

2. Working is required for our family to make ends meet - (and it is a struggle even with me working!) I don't think our marriage could handle the stress or fighting that would ensue if we didn't have 2 incomes - we just couldn't swing it even with eliminating/cutting back every non-essential.

3. We don't have an extravagant home by any means, but we live in a very safe community. This was not always the case for us and we are thankful.

4. We can afford extra-curricular activities for the children that we would not be able to participate in if I did not work - swimming lessons and soccer.

5. I have a one hour commute to work. I say the rosary on the way in to work every morning. I don't think this would happen if I was at home - I would be way too distracted. It is sometimes the only time I have to really pray.

6. At work, I have encountered many strong and faithful Catholic co-workers. This has been a significant blessing.

7.  Knowing my weaknesses, I don't think I would be a very good stay at home mom or homeschooling mom.

8. I am able to have paid maternity leaves.

9. My job helps us to save for our retirement/future.

10. If the children have to be in daycare, at least it is very nice child care. They really do enjoy it. They have many friends at school and enjoy sign language classes, dance, field trips, all kinds of interesting things that I probably wouldn't get a chance to expose them to.

11. I really appreciate coming home every day and having dinner with my family.

12. Because of my job, I have been able to come to terms with many issues from long ago and I think it has forced me to deal with certain people and grow into a better and more accepting person.

13. Because of past jobs I have met the two friends that I am thankful for.

14. Who knows, maybe I have made an impact on somebody's life at work for the better or have somehow brought them closer to God? I hope so.

15. My job can be very mentally challenging and there is rarely a day when I am bored.

Thanks for reading this post! God Bless...

The Bikini Onesie

So, have you seen the "Bikini Onesie" yet that everyone is talking about?

I have to tell you that there is no way I would buy this and put this on my infant daughter. Not because it is so terribly scandalous, in fact there is a sort of a creative ironic humor to it, if you could call it that... But because for me it makes a statement about our society and how we have let the virtue of modesty fall by the wayside. I don't think there is anything "cute" about over-sexualizing our children or trying to make them look older before their time. It's the same reason I won't let my 6 year old wear too-short skirts and don't buy her Barbie dolls. The disturbing aspect about this piece of clothing is that it shows an attractive, developed and revealing sketch of a mature female body. When a man sees that, what is the first thing that he is going to automatically think on a subconscious level? Probably something sexual. And then they are going to take in the big picture and see that it is on a baby... and well, that is one seriously conflicting message.

I asked my husband to take a look at the computer screen from across the room and said, "Can I buy this for our daughter?"... He said, "What? They make bikinis for babies???" Upon his first initial glance he thought the design was an actual photo. I told him to look again more closely. He said, "That's kind of funny..." (but he wasn't laughing.)  I don't think he really knew what to say.

The bottom line is this... as mothers we need to instill a sense of respect and modesty in our young daughters. There is way too much societal pressure for teenage girls to show off their bodies and gain acceptance by dressing skimpy. I certainly felt it when I was growing up. I want to shield my children from this mentality rather than encourage it.

Confessions of a Part-Time Ecological Breastfeeder

Have you heard of Ecological Breastfeeding?

I sure hadn’t.  I had read in several baby books about the delay of fertility, that I might expect, but according to my doctor, shouldn't rely on, if I was going to exclusively breast feed my baby for the first 6 months. Nearing the 3 month postpartum mark and my impending return to work, I wanted to get serious about exploring Family Planning options.

Google brought me to NFP International where I discovered the “Seven Standards” of Ecological Breastfeeding in Sheila Kippley’s book, Natural Family Planning – The Complete Approach. Here they are:


          1.       Breastfeed exclusively for the first six months of life; don't offer your baby other liquids and solids, not even water.


          2.      Pacify or comfort your baby at your breasts.


          3.      Don't use bottles and don't use pacifiers.


          4.      Sleep with your baby for night feedings.


          5.      Sleep with your baby for a daily-nap feeding.


          6.     Nurse frequenty day and night and avoid schedules.


          7.     Avoid any practice that restricts nursing or separates you from your baby.  


Huh? Was this a little too much? I immediately felt an immense wave of sadness overcome me. I think I even started to cry a little. Because, I thought I could never do this. Not that I wouldn’t love to… but… well, it just seemed to fly in the face of every cultural norm that I knew. Nobody I know parents like this. Doctors and Family and Well Meaning Friends just … don’t DO things like this and say it shouldn’t be done even if it could be done.  At least in my circles! I know I had to return to work in a few weeks. Circumstances dictated that I would have to put my child in day care and be separated from my baby for at least 10 hours a day, Monday through Friday. Certainly not the ideal, but it was the life we had created up to this point and I couldn't quickly change that. I dried my eyes, and resolved to exclusively breast feed at home and pump at work and cross my fingers and hope the 6 months of breastfeeding infertility would stick, despite the lengthy separation and the pumping.   


But a seed was planted with this powerful, new found knowledge… and I couldn’t shake it. It opened my eyes and opened my heart to a new attitude about mothering. It began to give me confidence and encouragement.  During my maternity leave, it was easy to follow these standards, but what about after resuming work? Maybe, just maybe, I could apply some of these principles to my life, even as a Full-Time-Working-Outside-The-Home Mother. Was this crazy? I felt there was something beneficial I could take away from the Seven Standards and apply to my own parenting style, beyond my maternity leave, in the ways that I was able to. It ended up being a fantastic journey. 


Nursing went well this time –my 2^nd time around.  It didn’t happen quite like this with my 1^st child. I had a terribly difficult time with establishing and maintaining our short-lived nursing relationship and there was a lot of emotional and physical pain. During that time I was hardly sure of myself.  I would have to go to a separate room and nurse alone if others were around.  But now I was learning how to feel comfortable nursing discretely in a crowded room full of people, or at a restaurant, or in front of my In-Laws, or during Mass. Before I lived by a schedule – even my daughter’s pediatrician told me to do this! Every 2 hours was expected. If she cried before the 2 hour mark, we would rock her, put her in the vibrating baby chair, or use a  a pacifier… Whatever it took, besides the breast. But not this time! Now I let my baby nurse when I was home from work, whenever, and as often as she wanted.  No restrictions! Sometimes she would sleep for an hour or two, and that was fine. But more often than not, she would want to nurse every 15 minutes, and that became fine too. We just continued on our business.  I would often have to sit down for a few minutes or creatively figure out how to get things done with one hand, while I cradled the baby while she comforted herself at the breast. And we all adapted. A Baby Bjorn and a sling helped a lot while doing chores. So did my supportive husband who helped me out a lot around the house. The nursing sessions were quick and so easy and provided so much comfort. It worked very well for us. It really helped to take the sting out of being away from my little one all day long to come home from work and nurse unconditionally without worrying about schedules, having to cry it out, or denying what was so easy and so natural for both of us to do.

Before returning to work, I initally had major fears about day care and how this was going to all play out. Would it be unfair to treat my baby to constant holding, unrestricted nursing, attachment-style parenting while with me, but deny her this while dropping her off at day care in the morning? Was this cruel? Could she handle the culture shock? Will she be crying all day for me? It was breaking my heart. Well, let's just say, after 2 rounds of implementing these eco-breastfeeding standards while at home (or at least the ones that I was able to), and maintaining a demanding full time career, that it turned out that it actually was do-able for our family. It is amazing how my children have handled it. They definately know that I am not there during the day, so they aren't going to get to nurse unconditionally. I leave 3-4 bottles of expressed milk each day that I have pumped the day before during my work day and that has always been enough. All of my children have cried very little during day care, probably because of all the activity and distractions. My daughter is usually sleeping peacefully when I drop her off, so I leave her in her infant seat to nap (so I don't wake her), and she is usually smiling during the afternoon pick up. Amazing! They have always adapted and have learned what to expect in these two very different worlds. And yes, they know when I walk in the door after work and they immediately want me to hold and nurse them. It is always a blissful reunion.

In addition to the unrestrained nursing called out for in the Seven Standards, the other major paradigm shift was my new attitude about co-sleeping. With baby #1 I had read “Twelve Hours’ Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old: A Step-by-Step plan for Baby Sleep Success” in a desperate attempt to resume my sanity with a colicky 3 month old. I was a walking zombie, miserable, and trying to combat postpartum depression.  On the occasions when I would accidentally fall asleep in bed while nursing her in the side-laying position, I would guiltily wake up and try and place her back in her crib without waking her and promise not to be so careless again. After all, co-sleeping is dangerous!  Her pediatrician kept checking at each appointment to make sure that she was sleeping in her own crib. After reading about ecological breastfeeding, and learning that yes, there are many mothers in the world, including the United States and not just third world countries, who happily and effectively parent this way, I knew I wanted to give this a shot.  The fact that I could actually get a good night’s sleep was extremely appealing. The chance that it could delay my fertility was definitely an added bonus. Despite my husband’s initial protests, I brought my 2^nd infant into our family bed. (I followed the safe sleep recommendations for co-sleeping found on Dr. Sears’ website – a great resource.) In another wonderful way, parenting was becoming easier and easier. Co-workers and acquaintances would ask, “So, how is the baby? YOU can’t be getting any sleep, now can you?” However, I could honesty look them in the eye and answer them with a smile, “Actually, we are both sleeping REALLY well!”.  It was my own special little secret and it was making everything so incredibly easy. Gone were the days of having to sneak into the baby’s room during the middle of the night to make sure she was still breathing. No longer did I have to get out of bed for a 2 am feeding half asleep. With co-sleeping, we both slept all through the night without having to get out of bed (except for the occasional diaper change). The nursing was so natural, I usually didn't remember doing it or know how much it happened during the night. All I know is that, unlike last time, there was no engorgement, no resentment, and no fatigue. I was a happier person. When my husband and I wanted some “alone time”, I would nurse the baby into a deep sleep and lay her in the crib, where she would sleep for an hour or two, and bring her back into bed with me later, when she woke up. Every night we slept well together, and why, oh why, hadn't I done this with my first child? Unfortunately I was conditioned to think there was something inherently bad about co-sleeping. How very wrong I was... this was a million times BETTER for so many reasons! 

We joyfully continued this existence for the next 16 months! It had been over 2 years since I had a period! I was actually happy when my cycle finally returned because I had forgotton what it was like. Hormone free, pill free, and device free, this time around, it felt good knowing that my body was doing exactly what it was made to do. I was ready to try again at this point and the next month, I became pregnant. I enjoyed an amazing time bonding with my newborn and 16 months of infertility because I was able to embrace the ideologies of ecological breastfeeding, even while working full time! I truly beleive that co-sleeping made this possible. My last 2 children are 2 years and 1 month apart. Now, I know I may be one of the lucky ones, and that these methods while effective, can't offer every working mom the same guarantee. However, my experience has been so positive that I wanted to share my story. The many benefits I received were not only physical, but spiritual as well. The Ecological Breastfeeding Standards taught me that it was "OK" for me to nurse my baby the way I wanted to and worry less about how I was "supposed" to do things, even though I wasn't doing it strictly by the book. I'd like to say "Thank you" to Sheila Kippley, for making your information readily available on the internet. I am forever grateful. I am now enjoying unrestricted nursing (when I am not at work) and co-sleeping with my 3^rd baby. If it is in God's plan that I am to be a mother again, I would so much love to naturally space my babies 2 years apart once more. I will let you know how it all works out!

My Easter Baby

On April 6th 2012, Good Friday, at 7:07am Leah Catherine was born! Praise God!

The 9 1/2 months was worth the wait! Her birth was via Cesarean, and all went very smoothly. Leah weighed 8 lbs and 10 oz. at birth, my smallest child! I can't believe we have another girl! My husband was by my side for the birth, caught the Big Event on film, and was able to "break the news"... I think I was secretly hoping (for his sake) that it would be a boy, but I am so happy to have another little girl in my life, and besides, now we don't have to paint the baby's room (it is already lavender, and we have a lot of little girls clothes, but no boys.. so it sure makes life easier :-)  We already decided that our next baby, we are definitely finding out the sex in advance. It was kind of fun not knowing this time, but overall, we decided it is better for us to find out in advance, to bond and to prepare.

While I was in the hospital resting, my husband and my sister celebrated Easter at our home with the girls.

And I have to post these pictures of "Big Sister" Layna, holding her new "Little Sister", it just melts my heart...

It is amazing to me how sensitive a 2 year old can be...

We all love our new addition!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!!

A Grace from Our Lord During Adoration...

I haven't been blogging lately... but I have been reading others' wonderful blogs. My heart just hasn't been into it. In fact, to be quite honest, I have been feeling angry and depressed and uninspired lately. I am having an "OK" lent, but at times, feel like I am going through the motions. I've been very frustrated with my job circumstances and the micro-managing behaviour of my boss. (When I took my new job a year ago, he promised me flexibility and the ability to work from home when I needed it in order to take care of my child care issues, occasional sick kids, and not to mention the medical aspects of dealing with my pregnancy... He has since changed his tune and said "No working from home."  He is doing things like watching the clock and keeping tabs of anyone who comes in 5 minutes late. It's insulting and annoying.) I have been growing increasingly resentful of him and my job and my 2 hour daily commute and the demands of the 9-10 hours a day and how it negatively impacts my abilities as a wife and mother, but for now we really need this income. Unfortunately, my patience has worn so thin, it is so stressful in my attempts to wake up the kids every morning at 5:45 am every day and get everyone ready, carting them off to daycare, and having to worry about getting into the office and log in by the "right time" so my boss will see that I am "on line". I have been getting angrier and angrier and taking this all out on my kids and my husband. I have been increasingly using more profanity and yelling at my children, and taking Our Lord's name in vain, it is becoming quite a habit. In fact, for the last few weeks, since before Lent, I felt that I needed to take this to Confession, so I stopped receiving Communion. Every week we seem to be so tired, or so behind, or so busy, we have missed Confession, or it has been cancelled, and for one reason or another, haven't been able to get there in time. (Not really conducive to a great Lent... ) Anyway, yesterday, I found a nail in my front tire, so got to break away to get it fixed (no kids in tow.) Afterwards, I was supposed to go straight home and get ready for Mass, but thought I could take a little time to myself, (about an hour) to go visit a perpetual adoration chapel nearby that I love, but don't get a chance to go as often as I would like. This was a perfect opportunity. It is so peaceful and quiet and serene. There are a few tiny rows of chairs with kneelers, and one rocking chair in the very back. I just sat down in that rocker and sank back and started praying to God... "I am sorry for my horrible attitude... please help me to find the time and opportunity to get to Confession... I keep missing it." I even asked for a priest to walk into the adoration chapel at random so I could ask him to hear my Confession so I could start receiving Communion and be in the right state of mind again. I prayed to help me feel Joy again, that I have been missing too much of lately, and to help me not feel so angry, and look for the blessings in my situation (which is not all that bad after all, thank God I have a job, when many are unemployed, thank God I have my health, when many are suffering, etc.) I prayed for answers to my job situation... either accept this current state as God's will, or find something "better" with His help. I prayed to be a better and more patient mother and wife. At that point, I started to say a Rosary, but about 1/4 of the way into it, I was so exhausted, and it was so quiet and dim, I feel asleep in the back with the rosary in my hand. I don't know how long I was asleep, maybe 20 minutes, maybe longer? But I finally woke up and thought it was so strange that nobody else was coming in. Usually on a Saturday afternoon there are at least 1 or 2 other visitors who come in to pray. I was grateful for the solitude. Then I heard someone opening the door from the outside, and walking up the stairs... Time for my silence to be over, but it was a much needed little break. There were footsteps walking up the stairs. (This little chapel is in an old convent that was shut down, but a back room was converted into an Adoration Chapel, with a keypad/lock on the front door, where anyone can come to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament day or night, anytime. It is a very special place.) Ok, so here is the good part... The door opens, and in walks a priest, in collar and dressed all in black. He sits down casually in the front row and I am still sitting all the way in the back in that rocking chair, and he didn't even give me a glance. He pulled out a tablet and started reading. I know most every parish priest in the area, but I have never seen this priest before and I had no idea who he was or where he came from. Nothing like this has ever happened before, and I have been coming to this place for several years. I started sweating at this point, because I am wondering what is going on here... ? I half-jokingly prayed for a priest to walk in here... and he just did!!!

I must have sat there for 15 more minutes in silence just wondering what I should do... was this a sign or something, or an answer to a prayer, or a coincidence, or am I just an idiot???
Then my cell phone rang out piercing the silence. (It was my husband wondering why I was still at the car dealership 2 hours past when I said I was on my way home, and decided to make a "quick detour" over to the adoration chapel!) I was embarrassed, so I quick, turned off my phone without answering. The priest still didn't even look up or behind, he acted like I wasn't in the room. I thought, I really need to get out of here and let my husband know I am OK, I was trying to get up my nerve, but just didn't want to disturb him. I quick, said a few Hail Mary's, and knew it was now or never, I just took a deep breath, and walked up to the priest, and said, "Excuse me Father", (he turned and looked at me), "Are you a priest?"
"Yes."
"Is it inappropriate if I ask you to hear my Confession?" (My heart was really beating now, this was just very bizarre, and I was probably really interrupting and bothering this poor man.)
He paused, and said "Let me finish what I am doing first."
"OK." (and I just sat back down and waited for what seemed like 10 minutes, really really feeling stupid now, like I probably shouldn't have even said anything and I definitely was annoying this priest who came to read and pray and not hear my boring life story.)
Finally he got up, left the Adoration room, (there was a little entry room with book shelves and two chairs and a bathroom), and signalled for me to come out there. I did, and we sat down in the chairs and to make the long story short, he heard my confession, offered some words of advice, and granted me absolution. I told him that I had been in there praying for a priest to come in, and then you walked in, so... I thought I should take advantage of it. He kind of half-smiled and maybe rolled his eyes a little (I couldn't completely tell) and told me to thank God for the grace he just granted me. I said "Thank you, Father!" and 100% happier, went on my way, and he went back into the chapel to spend some quality time alone with Our Lord.
The point of this little story: God really does listen and he really does answer our prayers!
Thanks for reading!!!