An Ode to my Pump In Style

This is not a typical breastfeeding post... rather, it is a tribute to my breast pump. Yes, the good old trusty Medela 2006 Pump In Style. "Old Faithful."  If you have been there and done that, then no further explanation is needed. If you have no idea what I am talking about, then it's probably best if you pass on the rest of this post.

The decision to go back to work full time after having a baby is hard. Really hard. As the maternity leave dwindles down, the dread starts setting in. You know you have to go... back.... ugh. I don't get how anyone can possibly get excited about it. You just have to deal with it. It sucks!!!!!

If you decide to pump while you are back at work, then you have an entire new set of worries. They typically go like this:
Is this going to hurt?
How will I know I am pumping enough milk for my baby while I am gone?
Do I have a plugged duct?
Am I going to get mastitis and die?
How am I going to find the time to do this at work everyday, several times a day?
Where am I going to do this?
How am I going to safely transport my milk?
Where do I put everything?
How do I explain this to other women who have no children and don't understand?
How do I explain this to men who don't understand?
What about all those mandatory lunch meetings?
What about off site training courses?
What happens if I don't pump enough milk for the next day?
Why does frozen breast milk develop such a terrible taste and is it safe for my baby?
How do I sterilize all these parts?
This is so overwhelming, can I possibly do this?

If anyone cares, I can write a future post about breastfeeding survival at work 101, as I do feel I have earned professional status in this arena. (Yeah, like this may be the one and only thing I am good at.) I pumped full time with my last child for 17 months and currently things are going OK with my 10 month old. My breast pumps are getting a lot of daily use. I have developed some "best practices" that have kept me going that I will be happy to share. (This isn't the original direction of where I wanted to take this post, but it's just where it has gone :-)

So, my dear very old Pump In Style, we are like old friends. Even though I hate you at times and can't wait until I no longer need you, I do appreciate you. I have to remind myself just why I appreciate you:

You save me money.
You help me maintain a long term nursing relationship with my baby.
You help me feel connected to my baby during the day when I can't be with her.
You give me an excuse to sit alone for a few minutes in solitude so I can read or think in peace.
You are keeping my periods away.
You keep me humble.
You remind me of God's amazing gift to women in our ability to bear children and provide for them.
You help me to burn 500 calories a day without working out.
You are helping me naturally space my babies without having to chart or contracept.
If I see any other woman with a black pump in style bag, I am your immediate friend.
You have provided me with humorous moments, (mostly stories of when men ask what is in the little black bag, or when someone pays a compliment on the "computer case".)
I can sell you on eBay when I'm ready to dump you.

My Blessings as a Working Mother

Today our alarm woke our family up at 4 am in the morning. We hurried to get ready so that I could drop my two oldest daughters and their father off by 5:45 am at the airport. He is taking them to Florida for an entire week to visit his sister. My daughters were very excited because they have never been on a plane before. We decided that I would stay behind with the baby this time. What a sight to behold, my hubby trying to negotiate 2 suitcases, a stroller, a car seat, a Dora backpack filled with books and movies, a Tablet PC with a splitter and 2 headphones, a very active 6 year old, a precocious 2 year old and one very important stuffed Bulldog. He is indeed a brave man! His vacation has just begun...

...And so has mine!

After work today, I picked up the baby, made a frozen pizza and a large bowl of ice cream, and I'm sitting on my bed eating dinner, on my computer, with my baby sleeping on my lap. My house is messy and there are dishes and laundry to do, that are definitely not going to get done tonight, and probably not tomorrow either. The house is ... completely quiet ... I am completely alone with my lovely sleeping baby. Does this sound awesome, or what?!? This type of solitude is very rare (actually, non-existent) in this house. As I sit here enjoying the tranquility I feel compelled to write this blog post. I will try to explain.

I have been feeling negative about having to work for quite a while now, and I realize that my attitude is reflected in some of my blog posts. The truth of the matter is that it is difficult to have to put your kids in daycare and not be able to be there to spend time with them during the day. I sometimes feel terrible guilt over it. Also, I really love to read other Catholic mothers' blogs. Sometimes it is the only way I can really connect "mom-to-mom" and share the "Faith" side of my life... which is so important to me. I do have my husband, but he is a man, and sometimes well, it is just nice to have a girlfriend. We have a very secular network of friends and I really turn to the blogosphere to get in touch with other practicing Catholics. I often feel like such an outsider. I don't fit in the "regular" world. I don't have many friends, except for two kind women that I have met along the way and they have kept me around. I haven't told either of these two close friends about my blog, can you imagine that? I haven't told my family about it either (except my sister). I just feel more comfortable being anonymous at this stage. I know a lot of my new attitudes and behaviours will or do seem "radical" and out of place amongst my peer group and family members, many of whom do not fully embrace Church teaching. I try to quietly witness and set a good example, and not preach or judge. I definitely don't want to lose the only 2 female friendships I have in my life, or the connection I have with my family.

But I don't quite fit into the typical "good Holy Catholic Mother" world either. We stopped going to our TLM after much discerning, not because it isn't the best and most beautiful celebration of the Holy Mass that we have ever encountered, but in large part because I was the only non homeschooling mom there in a very tight knit community. We also had an unusually small family due to finally "getting with it" at such a late stage in our marriage. We stuck out. Now nobody probably even cares, no one is singling us out and saying, "Oh my gosh, you only have 3 kids" and "What a horrible parent... you send your kids to public school." But the pressure is driven from within my own heart. I am probably my own worst enemy. Anyway, I felt, and at times feel, inadequate and "less than". It is difficult to explain the dichotomy, other than "caught between two worlds". I admire homeschooling moms so much and am so drawn to want to know your world better and be your friend. To be more like you.

But back to the subject of this post...

Although I struggle at times, there are many positives I can come up with. God has led me where I am at this point in my journey, and I want to thank Him and conclude this post by reflecting on the blessings I have received as a working mom.

Here is my list:


1. 100% because of circumstances at my workplace, I have come back to the Catholic Church. This is my largest blessing.

2. Working is required for our family to make ends meet - (and it is a struggle even with me working!) I don't think our marriage could handle the stress or fighting that would ensue if we didn't have 2 incomes - we just couldn't swing it even with eliminating/cutting back every non-essential.

3. We don't have an extravagant home by any means, but we live in a very safe community. This was not always the case for us and we are thankful.

4. We can afford extra-curricular activities for the children that we would not be able to participate in if I did not work - swimming lessons and soccer.

5. I have a one hour commute to work. I say the rosary on the way in to work every morning. I don't think this would happen if I was at home - I would be way too distracted. It is sometimes the only time I have to really pray.

6. At work, I have encountered many strong and faithful Catholic co-workers. This has been a significant blessing.

7.  Knowing my weaknesses, I don't think I would be a very good stay at home mom or homeschooling mom.

8. I am able to have paid maternity leaves.

9. My job helps us to save for our retirement/future.

10. If the children have to be in daycare, at least it is very nice child care. They really do enjoy it. They have many friends at school and enjoy sign language classes, dance, field trips, all kinds of interesting things that I probably wouldn't get a chance to expose them to.

11. I really appreciate coming home every day and having dinner with my family.

12. Because of my job, I have been able to come to terms with many issues from long ago and I think it has forced me to deal with certain people and grow into a better and more accepting person.

13. Because of past jobs I have met the two friends that I am thankful for.

14. Who knows, maybe I have made an impact on somebody's life at work for the better or have somehow brought them closer to God? I hope so.

15. My job can be very mentally challenging and there is rarely a day when I am bored.

Thanks for reading this post! God Bless...

Confessions of a Part-Time Ecological Breastfeeder

Have you heard of Ecological Breastfeeding?

I sure hadn’t.  I had read in several baby books about the delay of fertility, that I might expect, but according to my doctor, shouldn't rely on, if I was going to exclusively breast feed my baby for the first 6 months. Nearing the 3 month postpartum mark and my impending return to work, I wanted to get serious about exploring Family Planning options.

Google brought me to NFP International where I discovered the “Seven Standards” of Ecological Breastfeeding in Sheila Kippley’s book, Natural Family Planning – The Complete Approach. Here they are:


          1.       Breastfeed exclusively for the first six months of life; don't offer your baby other liquids and solids, not even water.


          2.      Pacify or comfort your baby at your breasts.


          3.      Don't use bottles and don't use pacifiers.


          4.      Sleep with your baby for night feedings.


          5.      Sleep with your baby for a daily-nap feeding.


          6.     Nurse frequenty day and night and avoid schedules.


          7.     Avoid any practice that restricts nursing or separates you from your baby.  


Huh? Was this a little too much? I immediately felt an immense wave of sadness overcome me. I think I even started to cry a little. Because, I thought I could never do this. Not that I wouldn’t love to… but… well, it just seemed to fly in the face of every cultural norm that I knew. Nobody I know parents like this. Doctors and Family and Well Meaning Friends just … don’t DO things like this and say it shouldn’t be done even if it could be done.  At least in my circles! I know I had to return to work in a few weeks. Circumstances dictated that I would have to put my child in day care and be separated from my baby for at least 10 hours a day, Monday through Friday. Certainly not the ideal, but it was the life we had created up to this point and I couldn't quickly change that. I dried my eyes, and resolved to exclusively breast feed at home and pump at work and cross my fingers and hope the 6 months of breastfeeding infertility would stick, despite the lengthy separation and the pumping.   


But a seed was planted with this powerful, new found knowledge… and I couldn’t shake it. It opened my eyes and opened my heart to a new attitude about mothering. It began to give me confidence and encouragement.  During my maternity leave, it was easy to follow these standards, but what about after resuming work? Maybe, just maybe, I could apply some of these principles to my life, even as a Full-Time-Working-Outside-The-Home Mother. Was this crazy? I felt there was something beneficial I could take away from the Seven Standards and apply to my own parenting style, beyond my maternity leave, in the ways that I was able to. It ended up being a fantastic journey. 


Nursing went well this time –my 2^nd time around.  It didn’t happen quite like this with my 1^st child. I had a terribly difficult time with establishing and maintaining our short-lived nursing relationship and there was a lot of emotional and physical pain. During that time I was hardly sure of myself.  I would have to go to a separate room and nurse alone if others were around.  But now I was learning how to feel comfortable nursing discretely in a crowded room full of people, or at a restaurant, or in front of my In-Laws, or during Mass. Before I lived by a schedule – even my daughter’s pediatrician told me to do this! Every 2 hours was expected. If she cried before the 2 hour mark, we would rock her, put her in the vibrating baby chair, or use a  a pacifier… Whatever it took, besides the breast. But not this time! Now I let my baby nurse when I was home from work, whenever, and as often as she wanted.  No restrictions! Sometimes she would sleep for an hour or two, and that was fine. But more often than not, she would want to nurse every 15 minutes, and that became fine too. We just continued on our business.  I would often have to sit down for a few minutes or creatively figure out how to get things done with one hand, while I cradled the baby while she comforted herself at the breast. And we all adapted. A Baby Bjorn and a sling helped a lot while doing chores. So did my supportive husband who helped me out a lot around the house. The nursing sessions were quick and so easy and provided so much comfort. It worked very well for us. It really helped to take the sting out of being away from my little one all day long to come home from work and nurse unconditionally without worrying about schedules, having to cry it out, or denying what was so easy and so natural for both of us to do.

Before returning to work, I initally had major fears about day care and how this was going to all play out. Would it be unfair to treat my baby to constant holding, unrestricted nursing, attachment-style parenting while with me, but deny her this while dropping her off at day care in the morning? Was this cruel? Could she handle the culture shock? Will she be crying all day for me? It was breaking my heart. Well, let's just say, after 2 rounds of implementing these eco-breastfeeding standards while at home (or at least the ones that I was able to), and maintaining a demanding full time career, that it turned out that it actually was do-able for our family. It is amazing how my children have handled it. They definately know that I am not there during the day, so they aren't going to get to nurse unconditionally. I leave 3-4 bottles of expressed milk each day that I have pumped the day before during my work day and that has always been enough. All of my children have cried very little during day care, probably because of all the activity and distractions. My daughter is usually sleeping peacefully when I drop her off, so I leave her in her infant seat to nap (so I don't wake her), and she is usually smiling during the afternoon pick up. Amazing! They have always adapted and have learned what to expect in these two very different worlds. And yes, they know when I walk in the door after work and they immediately want me to hold and nurse them. It is always a blissful reunion.

In addition to the unrestrained nursing called out for in the Seven Standards, the other major paradigm shift was my new attitude about co-sleeping. With baby #1 I had read “Twelve Hours’ Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old: A Step-by-Step plan for Baby Sleep Success” in a desperate attempt to resume my sanity with a colicky 3 month old. I was a walking zombie, miserable, and trying to combat postpartum depression.  On the occasions when I would accidentally fall asleep in bed while nursing her in the side-laying position, I would guiltily wake up and try and place her back in her crib without waking her and promise not to be so careless again. After all, co-sleeping is dangerous!  Her pediatrician kept checking at each appointment to make sure that she was sleeping in her own crib. After reading about ecological breastfeeding, and learning that yes, there are many mothers in the world, including the United States and not just third world countries, who happily and effectively parent this way, I knew I wanted to give this a shot.  The fact that I could actually get a good night’s sleep was extremely appealing. The chance that it could delay my fertility was definitely an added bonus. Despite my husband’s initial protests, I brought my 2^nd infant into our family bed. (I followed the safe sleep recommendations for co-sleeping found on Dr. Sears’ website – a great resource.) In another wonderful way, parenting was becoming easier and easier. Co-workers and acquaintances would ask, “So, how is the baby? YOU can’t be getting any sleep, now can you?” However, I could honesty look them in the eye and answer them with a smile, “Actually, we are both sleeping REALLY well!”.  It was my own special little secret and it was making everything so incredibly easy. Gone were the days of having to sneak into the baby’s room during the middle of the night to make sure she was still breathing. No longer did I have to get out of bed for a 2 am feeding half asleep. With co-sleeping, we both slept all through the night without having to get out of bed (except for the occasional diaper change). The nursing was so natural, I usually didn't remember doing it or know how much it happened during the night. All I know is that, unlike last time, there was no engorgement, no resentment, and no fatigue. I was a happier person. When my husband and I wanted some “alone time”, I would nurse the baby into a deep sleep and lay her in the crib, where she would sleep for an hour or two, and bring her back into bed with me later, when she woke up. Every night we slept well together, and why, oh why, hadn't I done this with my first child? Unfortunately I was conditioned to think there was something inherently bad about co-sleeping. How very wrong I was... this was a million times BETTER for so many reasons! 

We joyfully continued this existence for the next 16 months! It had been over 2 years since I had a period! I was actually happy when my cycle finally returned because I had forgotton what it was like. Hormone free, pill free, and device free, this time around, it felt good knowing that my body was doing exactly what it was made to do. I was ready to try again at this point and the next month, I became pregnant. I enjoyed an amazing time bonding with my newborn and 16 months of infertility because I was able to embrace the ideologies of ecological breastfeeding, even while working full time! I truly beleive that co-sleeping made this possible. My last 2 children are 2 years and 1 month apart. Now, I know I may be one of the lucky ones, and that these methods while effective, can't offer every working mom the same guarantee. However, my experience has been so positive that I wanted to share my story. The many benefits I received were not only physical, but spiritual as well. The Ecological Breastfeeding Standards taught me that it was "OK" for me to nurse my baby the way I wanted to and worry less about how I was "supposed" to do things, even though I wasn't doing it strictly by the book. I'd like to say "Thank you" to Sheila Kippley, for making your information readily available on the internet. I am forever grateful. I am now enjoying unrestricted nursing (when I am not at work) and co-sleeping with my 3^rd baby. If it is in God's plan that I am to be a mother again, I would so much love to naturally space my babies 2 years apart once more. I will let you know how it all works out!