Discovering the Real Church

This post is a continuation post about my story of reversion/conversion into the Catholic Church. You can catch the beginning of the story HERE.

At this point, I was still plowing through "Biblical Revelations" by Anne Catherine Emmerich, I had begun to "pray" in the only pathetic way I knew how to, and call out to God for help, and I began to listen to, and join in a little, with the religious conversations going on at work. I had a general understanding that my friend (who was attending a Latin Mass) was a different kind of Catholic than I had ever been exposed to, and was curious about this. I knew my only daughter was 2 and that continuing to live the selfish and gluttonous and carefree life that my husband and I were living was not right. We were not practicing any religion, and hadn't for years.

I was a contractor during this time, and my work load was very reduced. The projects I were assigned to had excess funding and a lot of downtime, and the client wanted me "available" (and paid me to be "available") but I personally did not have a whole lot to do. There were many days when I would be sitting at my desk for many hours waiting for files to be transferred, or waiting for someone to check in a software update, or for a script to complete which could take all day to run. Sometimes the boredom was overwhelming... but I didn't mind it one bit. I used every single spare moment during this time to surf the Internet and read about Catholicism. This went on for months. I was blessed with the opportunity to get paid a lot of money to sit at my desk and surf the Internet for the majority of my day looking up anything and everything about the Catholic church. I do believe this was the Holy Spirit at work providing me this avenue to enter back into the Church. Because, Our Lord only knows, there was not one religious influence that I, nor my husband had, amongst all our friends, family members or neighbors that we knew or were exposed to, that could have brought about this transformation. We were 100% secular in every way, and so was everyone else whom we associated with at home and in our neighborhood. He (God) had to take me a whole city away, to a job that I didn't want, in a field I didn't want to be in, in a situation that I was very uncomfortable in, around people that I didn't quite care for, quiet my mind, isolate me, humble me, and open my eyes and my heart so that I would finally hear. I just had no idea... So I began to surf the Internet. I found traditional Catholic sites and read and read and read. I realized that I really knew very little about the faith of my childhood. I remember being very floored that "The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass" was really that - an actual sacrifice. (And not just a memorial symbolic re-enactment of the last supper.) I mean, growing up "Catholic" I understood that the Eucharist is "really the body and blood" of Jesus, but I never understood. I never internalized it. I don't think I really ever thought about it or appreciated what this meant. I definitely took it for granted. Why didn't anyone explain this to me? I was confused. And I continued to surf the Internet all day. I read about the Saints. I read documents from the Council of Trent. I researched Papal history. I read about angels. I read private revelations of the Saints about Purgatory. And Hell. I researched Exorcisms. I read about Eucharistic Miracles. I read about the Marian Movement of Priests. I read about Garabandal. I found the Dimond Brothers website. I read Catholic prophesy. I found the fisheaters website. I read St. Bridget. I read the SSPX website. I read about how to pray the rosary. I pretty much read anything I could get my hands on, without really the ability to discern what was real and what wasn't, because it was all very new to me. I was beginning to understand the new term called "Eucharistic Adoration" and was curious about it. I became drawn to experience this "Eucharistic Adoration" and to see Jesus in a "monstrance". (I knew what a "monstrance" was - but only because it was on the cover of the book about the Real Presence that I mentioned in the prior post.) I had never seen one of these items before in my life. I felt robbed that here I was, 34 years old, and nobody had ever shown me these things before. If this was so important, than why didn't I know anything about this? Why the hell not? An unexplained hunger began to grow in my soul to experience this mysterious "Eucharistic Adoration" that I had never ever heard of before. I began to actually yearn in my heart to find the Real Presence of Christ in a monstrance! I barely understood what I was asking for, but the desire was there. And He had to be in a monstrance. It sounds so silly, but this desire was definitely there.

I found out the local suburban parish down the street was doing a "Eucharistic Adoration" night. I was excited and nervously, I decided to "check it out" on a Monday night after work. Even though I hadn't been to a church in a very long time. I went and was very disappointed to find a small gathering of older ladies singing some patriotic "God Bless America" and doing some devotion on rosary beads that I had never heard of before. It felt alien and uncomfortable to me. (It actually was the Divine Mercy Chaplet, but I did not know what this was at the time.) It just seemed very strange. And the most disappointing thing of all was that this "Adoration" was just the same old tabernacle in the same old 70's church. There was nothing exposed, no monstrance. It wasn't anything like what I was looking for, in my mind and felt a little creepy. There really was nothing there to Adore. If felt like a senior citizen prayer session in a dark empty church. It was a let down. I left that night feeling very confused. My friend at work who went to the Latin Mass had made some inferences about how the "Novus Ordo" or "New Mass" was highly inferior to the Traditional Latin Mass - which is how all Catholics celebrated the Mass prior to Vatican II, when Latin was replaced with the vernacular and a whole lot of other changes were implemented, like the priest facing the people instead of God, and the tabernacle no longer being placed in the center of many churches, and changes to the words being said during the Consecration. I had no deep understanding of these things - but perhaps he was right? I stopped going to church years ago because I was not getting anything out of it. It was boring. The sermons were bad. Was something indeed missing here? I was very very confused.

*** To Be Continued ***

Eucharistic Flash Mob

I love this! I wish I could experience something like this on Black Friday...

What do you think?

A Grace from Our Lord During Adoration...

I haven't been blogging lately... but I have been reading others' wonderful blogs. My heart just hasn't been into it. In fact, to be quite honest, I have been feeling angry and depressed and uninspired lately. I am having an "OK" lent, but at times, feel like I am going through the motions. I've been very frustrated with my job circumstances and the micro-managing behaviour of my boss. (When I took my new job a year ago, he promised me flexibility and the ability to work from home when I needed it in order to take care of my child care issues, occasional sick kids, and not to mention the medical aspects of dealing with my pregnancy... He has since changed his tune and said "No working from home."  He is doing things like watching the clock and keeping tabs of anyone who comes in 5 minutes late. It's insulting and annoying.) I have been growing increasingly resentful of him and my job and my 2 hour daily commute and the demands of the 9-10 hours a day and how it negatively impacts my abilities as a wife and mother, but for now we really need this income. Unfortunately, my patience has worn so thin, it is so stressful in my attempts to wake up the kids every morning at 5:45 am every day and get everyone ready, carting them off to daycare, and having to worry about getting into the office and log in by the "right time" so my boss will see that I am "on line". I have been getting angrier and angrier and taking this all out on my kids and my husband. I have been increasingly using more profanity and yelling at my children, and taking Our Lord's name in vain, it is becoming quite a habit. In fact, for the last few weeks, since before Lent, I felt that I needed to take this to Confession, so I stopped receiving Communion. Every week we seem to be so tired, or so behind, or so busy, we have missed Confession, or it has been cancelled, and for one reason or another, haven't been able to get there in time. (Not really conducive to a great Lent... ) Anyway, yesterday, I found a nail in my front tire, so got to break away to get it fixed (no kids in tow.) Afterwards, I was supposed to go straight home and get ready for Mass, but thought I could take a little time to myself, (about an hour) to go visit a perpetual adoration chapel nearby that I love, but don't get a chance to go as often as I would like. This was a perfect opportunity. It is so peaceful and quiet and serene. There are a few tiny rows of chairs with kneelers, and one rocking chair in the very back. I just sat down in that rocker and sank back and started praying to God... "I am sorry for my horrible attitude... please help me to find the time and opportunity to get to Confession... I keep missing it." I even asked for a priest to walk into the adoration chapel at random so I could ask him to hear my Confession so I could start receiving Communion and be in the right state of mind again. I prayed to help me feel Joy again, that I have been missing too much of lately, and to help me not feel so angry, and look for the blessings in my situation (which is not all that bad after all, thank God I have a job, when many are unemployed, thank God I have my health, when many are suffering, etc.) I prayed for answers to my job situation... either accept this current state as God's will, or find something "better" with His help. I prayed to be a better and more patient mother and wife. At that point, I started to say a Rosary, but about 1/4 of the way into it, I was so exhausted, and it was so quiet and dim, I feel asleep in the back with the rosary in my hand. I don't know how long I was asleep, maybe 20 minutes, maybe longer? But I finally woke up and thought it was so strange that nobody else was coming in. Usually on a Saturday afternoon there are at least 1 or 2 other visitors who come in to pray. I was grateful for the solitude. Then I heard someone opening the door from the outside, and walking up the stairs... Time for my silence to be over, but it was a much needed little break. There were footsteps walking up the stairs. (This little chapel is in an old convent that was shut down, but a back room was converted into an Adoration Chapel, with a keypad/lock on the front door, where anyone can come to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament day or night, anytime. It is a very special place.) Ok, so here is the good part... The door opens, and in walks a priest, in collar and dressed all in black. He sits down casually in the front row and I am still sitting all the way in the back in that rocking chair, and he didn't even give me a glance. He pulled out a tablet and started reading. I know most every parish priest in the area, but I have never seen this priest before and I had no idea who he was or where he came from. Nothing like this has ever happened before, and I have been coming to this place for several years. I started sweating at this point, because I am wondering what is going on here... ? I half-jokingly prayed for a priest to walk in here... and he just did!!!

I must have sat there for 15 more minutes in silence just wondering what I should do... was this a sign or something, or an answer to a prayer, or a coincidence, or am I just an idiot???
Then my cell phone rang out piercing the silence. (It was my husband wondering why I was still at the car dealership 2 hours past when I said I was on my way home, and decided to make a "quick detour" over to the adoration chapel!) I was embarrassed, so I quick, turned off my phone without answering. The priest still didn't even look up or behind, he acted like I wasn't in the room. I thought, I really need to get out of here and let my husband know I am OK, I was trying to get up my nerve, but just didn't want to disturb him. I quick, said a few Hail Mary's, and knew it was now or never, I just took a deep breath, and walked up to the priest, and said, "Excuse me Father", (he turned and looked at me), "Are you a priest?"
"Yes."
"Is it inappropriate if I ask you to hear my Confession?" (My heart was really beating now, this was just very bizarre, and I was probably really interrupting and bothering this poor man.)
He paused, and said "Let me finish what I am doing first."
"OK." (and I just sat back down and waited for what seemed like 10 minutes, really really feeling stupid now, like I probably shouldn't have even said anything and I definitely was annoying this priest who came to read and pray and not hear my boring life story.)
Finally he got up, left the Adoration room, (there was a little entry room with book shelves and two chairs and a bathroom), and signalled for me to come out there. I did, and we sat down in the chairs and to make the long story short, he heard my confession, offered some words of advice, and granted me absolution. I told him that I had been in there praying for a priest to come in, and then you walked in, so... I thought I should take advantage of it. He kind of half-smiled and maybe rolled his eyes a little (I couldn't completely tell) and told me to thank God for the grace he just granted me. I said "Thank you, Father!" and 100% happier, went on my way, and he went back into the chapel to spend some quality time alone with Our Lord.
The point of this little story: God really does listen and he really does answer our prayers!
Thanks for reading!!!