Well, 2 days ago, I was really surprised when I started my cycle again. I guess I should have expected it, but it's been a very very long time since I've had a period. (Only 1 in the last 4 years). Actually after the surprise wore off and I scrambled for a quarter to hit up the machine in the ladies room... I felt a sense of relief that it actually arrived! I'm going to be 39 very very soon.. and while this is still young (kind of, er, well, maybe not.. ), And I'm just sitting here wondering where the time has gone and where it is going. The past year I've had some health issues.. mostly minor, but annoying. My under active thyroid is getting worse, I have gained weight, my energy level is not so good. Back in April I started experiencing really strange new pains in my hips. I tried to tell myself that it was because of carrying my heavy 1-year old on the sides of my hips too much, but it just felt more like... arthritis starting to set in. It hurt and ached almost every day for a month and a half. Wonky things were going on with my body, I felt nauseous one day and actually ran to the drug store to take a pregnancy test. (negative.) My sciatic nerve was so painful another day that I was afraid to hold my baby while walking.
.
Now I'm looking back and wondering if some of this wasn't just my old worn out body kicking itself back into gear for ovulation, and having a hard time getting going? Who knows. But I'm filled with ambivalence about getting pregnant. Of course, I also feel like my window of opportunity is quickly closing, and I've safely waited the 2 year mark that I needed for healing after my recent C-Section so there is no really good reason to stop this from happening. No time like the present, right? Besides the fact that we own 3 houses at the moment and are in a state of turmoil and flux and I want to quit my job! And the fact that my husband moved into the spare room because I've been working such late hours and keeping him up with my typing on the computer. Who knows what will happen, I just have to trust God on this one, which has worked well for us in the past. I only hope I can physically and mentally handle "it" and everything "it" comes with - good and bad, if something does indeed happen in the future. And if our family is complete now, well, I think that would be OK also, almost relieving in a way, but would make me a little sad also.
Anyway, just musing about all this.. nearing 40 and all.. geesh... it has its own special set of problems and concerns. So it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Did you accidentally cut off this post?
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the getting older thing. I turn 40 in November. It's no small thing to get pregnant at our age, though...not that I'm trying or anything. Matter of fact, I'm pretty frightened about that, so we are sticking to strict avoidance rules for now.
Sorry, the post self-published before I was ready, I think my laptop ran out of battery power. Anyway, I so don't blame you for being scared. I'm scared of all the risks, and I have not had to deal with what you have had to. I keep you and Gregory in my thoguhts and prayers a lot. thanks for stopping by...
DeleteI have now read the rest. :) And I am with you. I don't know for sure if our family is complete, but there's a part of me that feels relief if it is. If we were meant for five here with us and one saint in heaven to intercede for us, I'd say we are so very blessed. But every so often, I get a pang. Think...well, maybe if I wait until january or february...maybe I will feel like being open again....but then I think...well, we'll be on our way to no diapers, no more sleepless nights (due to little ones anyway), having them all in school...and I think , well, maybe not. I just don't know. I guess we just have to keep praying and asking God to show us the way.
ReplyDelete