Disappointed

Have you gone through a time in your marriage where things just were not going well? We were there about 5 months ago. I was profoundly unhappy due to my circumstances at work and how they were negatively affecting my ability to parent and interact and be there for my children. You know, it's the classic glass half full / half empty scenario... and while I should be extremely thankful for the wonderful job that I have, the roof over our heads, the excellent school district and neighborhood we live in, the wonderful things we are able to do with our children, and the fact that we are able to make ends meet and to keep our little family together, sometimes instead of counting my blessings, it is easy for me to fall into a state of despair over it all. The bottom line is that I want to stay at home with my kids - at least while they are little. Unfortunately, it's not something I ever discussed with my husband before we married because at the time I just took for granted that I would always be career oriented. I've always worked hard at whatever job I could get my hands on ever since I've been a kid. I grew up in a family where much of our self worth was based on the answers to these questions: Are you successful? Are you debt free? Are you making a lot of money? Do you have an impressive title? The thought that I might want to stay at home for a while and not work just never really crossed my mind or seemed like a viable option. I really regret that now, because I have changed, and my priorities have changed, but we have already spent the last 12 years crafting this life together that is not so easily changed.

Five months ago, I think my mild discontent developed into a full blown depression which felt an awful lot like a black cloud always hanging over my head and could send me into a crying fit at any moment. My husband and I were constantly arguing over this. During this rough patch, I hate to say it, but we were fighting so much, and were so miserable, many of our fights would end in an all too familiar "I'm leaving!" or "I wish I could just leave!" or "I want out of this relationship!" On many occasions I would sit crying in my car, and thinking that it was my Catholic faith, and that alone, that was holding us together, and barely, it seemed. If we didn't have that, (and our children) it would have been tempting to run away.

Thank God I am in a better place for now. Part of what helped us get out of this horrible funk, was finding our "dream home" out in the country. My incredible husband was willing to move far away from his job, friends and family, to try to reduce our mortgage and taxes so that I could get one step closer to staying at home or working less hours so that I could be with my little ones more than the 2 hours a day that I get during the stressful workweek. How I have been praying for this to work out! After 5 months of dealing with bank negotiations, things have fallen apart. This is due to the bank's realtor not submitting the proper paperwork in time. We are disappointed. I don't quite know what direction to turn next. I am trying my best to trust that God is guiding this process for us.